Friday, February 26, 2010


for todays lunch i have had Gormez Sabszi, an iranian authentic dish served with salad shirazi, a mixture of diced tomato and cucumber. iranian food is always tempting and also fattening but still i am 'addicted' to it. on the way out, the owner of the restaurant stopped me for a chat. Mr Ali who is also a friend and a client of mine, looked excited and enthusiastic. must be something blissful he wanted to tell me. yes as guessed. he told me that his sister is getting married.

his sister is marrying a pahang royal guy, whom gratuated from a law school in UK. cool i said. 'cool' as that guy is from the royal family and educated, which is not a norm among the royal spoilt brat generation whom mostly are drop outs (ops..)

when Ali told me that the royal guy proposed to his sister just after 2 months of knowing each other, i showed a 'surprised' face expression with both of my eye brow lifted up. he claimed that this royal guy isnt like the others, he is religious, well cultured and 'doesnt want to hang around with any girl without any purpose of intention to tie a knot'...well, good i said. i think he (that royal guy) means what he said, as the marriage proposal is made hastily but after all, wisely made in the eyes of religion.

Ali said he doesnt feel worried about their relationship, as the ceremony is to be held in august 2010. i said, wow, another 5 months to go and anything could happened, i guess Ali understood what i meant as no one can predict the fate of a ditched partner if happens she is having an affair with a royal casanova lover boy. honestly speaking, i was still sceptical about this proclaimed mr good royal guy.

Ali smiled. i know he is convinient with this royal malay future brother in law of his. what made Ali is confident in giving his consent, is that guy told him that GOD'S CCTV is everywhere. WOW new word to me!! yes, its confirmed that he is God fearing person if really he means what he said, well i never heard this analogy from anyone before and least expecting it came from the mouth of a royal guy! this is more 'cool' for a man who is graduated from law school in UK and having the fear for God (to settle down) in keeping a sacred relationship with an ajnabi. i am proud of him, eventhough i am not in his state of royalty.

i drove home thinking about this GOD'S CCTV and i like the idea. reaching home, i opened my FB page, checking the updates and friends' comment. after about half an hour, i remembered that i havent perform my asar prayers, i stopped what i was doing and headed to the bath room to take abolution. the thought of GOD'S CCTV is everywhere and i dont want my 'wasting time' activity is captured, recorded and counted for the de-merit of my good deeds activities for today.

i know i have to remind myself all the time, as GOD'S CCTV is something intangible but its there. we are always cautious when the warning comes in visible mode, and take for granted for so many unseen treats although they're for our own good. having these thoughts, a new feelings developed...i am being observed by 'SOMEONE' and His 'eyes' is full of love for His 'slaves'. the thing that is one true fact is that, this 'CCTV' monitoring is never been switched off till the day of judgement.

definition :
ajnabi = a person who is allowed/eligible/not among family members/a stranger/not same gender (for marriage)
abolution = The washing of one's body or part of it, as in a religious rite to wash away their sins/ or an activity of washing few parts of body before performing prayers/ wuduk/wudhuk/wudzuk

Thursday, February 25, 2010


this isnt going to be a business discussion. this is about cycling, on how we bench mark ourselves on our performance. actually it is not about we or us, its about myself.

i know i am not Lance Amstrong, but i have my own theory. people always asked me, if i know that cycling hurts, why do i carry on doing it, what do i gain and what do i have to prove?

simple answer. i always challenge myself. if others can do, why cant i. Lance says in his book, its not about the bike....well i would like to put some addition to it, ....its not about the bike and neither about the gender. its about determination.

i remembered the first time when Dr Hamdan teased me saying that i wasnt fit enough to cope up with their group, for him it was a joke, but even though i laughed with the others, i actually took it seriously. the moment i said i took it seriously, i was determined to prove that i am fit. prove to whom? who else? to me and to myself.

for me, cycling is one of the best way to bench mark own performance. i dont measure my time, i dont measure my speed, my way of measuring my performance is simple, that is to be able to ride uphill more comfortably compared to the previous climb. if the riding up hill is more difficult compared to the previous ones, i would rate my performance as 'declining'. i know the pain and i know when its difficult or what not. i have a good muscle memory and i know when my endorphines becoming insufficient.

so, the most difficult route i have ever rode is Titi - Genting Perez. many got to push their bikes 5 km from reaching the top of genting perez from titi. now i take this as a challenge to myself to ride again from batu 18 to genting perez to titi and return. how can i bench mark myself, if i dont go for a second time ride using the same route? we need to put our feet on the second step of a stair in order to realize that we are climbing upright, agree?

just to share, i witnessed few guys pushed their bikes, and at that time, i rode very slowly telling myself to be steady and refraining myself to stop nor to push my bike instead of cycling...i looked at them and they waved at me shouting 'hoi kak yam, tak mau berhenti ke'. i just show off my touge and pedaling hard till i reached the was an achievement for me, but not a great one, until i have ridden again at the same route, bench marked myself and get the result, that, the second ride is easier...

Friday, February 19, 2010


dear valued readers....i am not sure whether i have written a poem, if it can be called one. when i was uploading my plants pictures to my album in my FB profile, i felt the sentimental feelings when i saw the pictures. i recalled the moment when i did the trimming, watering and talking to my plants, it was so nice yet so memorable. nothing mystical or something extraordinary happened, but i can still remember how in tense i was when i got back from office, and i straight away grabbed my gardening tools and started my gardening work. it was funny that time looking at my ex husband who looked at me from the house, with full curiosity of any weird thing i might do unexpectedly..nah, its just getting myself off the hook from getting inside the house for another task full of tense in the kitchen haha..:p

i really felt calm during the occasion, it was just like i was in my own alice in the wonderland world...i sensed and enjoyed the fresh air and everything was full of passion and love...frankly speaking, its hard actually to translate the feelings that time, but plants lovers would understand how i felt and what i am trying to get at. so, here it goes, and please poets out there, dont laugh out at me.....(i know my rate is 3 upon 10 as a poet :p )


call me a constant gardener if you like...
as i am actually their guardian....
whenever i touch their green fragile fingers and palm ..
i can sense the greetings 'salam'..
from an unheard voice in the wind which is blowing softly to my face...
this soothing feelings flow within me, and i say to them,
' thanks for being here, and salam to you, may ALlah bless us all '

thanks for the song....
thanks for the love....
i heard you and i know...
you understand.
its the song of nature...
i appreciate the melody...
you and i are one
in His eyes, we are similar
we came from the same source.

your song is zikr...
my song is untitled..
but i know
there is something in common between us
we sang the same song.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010


today, i went to the office with my head carrying some 10kg thoughts of work plans, kids, staff, cats getting naughtier, plants, house chores, no house maid, etc etc..... i noticed that i caught some temperature, ie. i had severe headache and that i was definitely going to catch a fever.

with runny nose and semi opened eyes (feeling that a 500 gram of stone sitting on the eye lid) i walked straight to my room and darkened it, giving the signal to my staff that i dont want to be disturbed.

after performing my zuhr prayers, i was asking to myself, whether to go back home and rest or just pretend that i were ok. i always want to do this simple experiment and today i had the chance to do on myself... its going to be a no cost mental game as i was the guinea pig.

so, for a half an hour, i told myself the jobs we got today, are not so bad in terms of payment amount, and if i can settle it within today and tomorrow, the monthly accumulated income would be handsome. so, the thought gave me some drive, my mind became 'busy' thinking on these tasks. i stopped sneezing and that was a good development.

i told myself that there is no space provision to occupy any part of my brain as far as the unnecessary things are concerned, and this resulted, my mind becoming 'lighter'. actually in other word, i chose not to think about all i mentioned in the earlier paragraph.

i discovered that the ability to deviate ones thinking isnt that difficult. it is just like a mind game, and i imagine all those unnecessary thoughts as 'small kids'. i can see them behind the glass door and i will only call upon them if i feel its necessary to do so. at this current time of moment, i will ask them to stay back quietly until the time comes. its not appropriate to 'meet and discuss' with 'the kids' as i am in the office. i will entertain them and their mischiveous behaviour at home. i will only talk to the 'bigger kids' ie. the important business tasks. prioritizing in thinking is really important when the thing we think involves profit/loss/dollar/cent. business people would understand what and how it means to them.

come back to my experiment. Alhamdulillah! yes it worked! i dont know what this is called, hypnotheraphy or whatever, but it has helped to ease the headache and inconvenient feelings i had from this morning. i can stay focus on my work and no more runny nose and heavy head. this phenomena has also saved the office tissue roll. haha..

'the small kids' are still waiting behind the glass door and i have acknowledged them that they are heard and seen. i will get myself ready for the task when i am at home, standby with a 1.5 litre of reverse osmosis water in my hand, if it happens that still i will catch a fever.

p/s i am not a panadol person.

Thursday, February 11, 2010


How is bonsai theory in human relationship? yes, i know what you might be thinking, maryam and her weird topic again...i call myself a mind provoker and i enjoy doing that hehe...i know i help idle mind to start working. for me, this theory is so related to human relationship, in my humble opinion and deep observation on bonsai, i dont think there is so much gap between human and plants, if you read through, you would understand what i mean. if you like it, i might have this theory patented :p

i believe that everybody knows what bonsai is. i am a bonsai trees admirer and i myself have made few bougainvillea bonsai at home. the bonsai i made isnt like the japanese bonsai which is more authentic, small and 'shrunk', my bonsai trees at home are having the design and shape of a bonsai tree but in size, they are like normal trees. l like the way they are, preserving their normal size, let them grow normally and healthily and trim whenever i have free time, and still, they look like bonsai trees.

actually, i got the idea of this topic this morning when i was driving from Penang back to Kuala Lumpur. In Penang, i met with Puan HC, who is a government servant. Her husband works in a private firm and they live in separate houses within the same 'taman', just few blocks away....meaning her husband is her neighbour as well!. they are still maintaining the relationship as hubby-wife though this style of relationship is not normal. the marriage is always on the rock, they dont call nor sms each other and they cant have anything to discuss on together! all will end up with a quarrel.

once or twice in a month, they will get back together again, ie. they will meet up, have some conjugal activities and again, be separated for another few weeks and this went on and on and on...for years. when i asked her on how many days they ever talk or meet in a years, she answered less than 20 times and yet he lives less than 100 metres from her house.

everytime i see Puan HC, her favorite issue to discuss about, is how miserable her marriage is and the turmoil of her relationship with her husband. i dont want to elaborate her story in here, as it is full with negativity, so i will just leave the case behind. the thing i want to highlight in this blog is, Puan HC is actually the 'human bonsai' in the making and the most probable probability of its mechanism that cause it. (too technical aye?)

to ease your understanding on how to relate the bonsai plant and 'human bonsai' thing , let me firstly explain the procedure on how to create a bonsai tree. for plant haters, you might like to read this.

first of all, a normal medium sized plant (maybe 12 inces of height) is put in a small pot. with little water and soil, it is left to survive. when it shows signs of dying, then, we put some fertilizer. then when the leaves grows green and healthy, we pluck them or trim them.

we do all sort of 'torture' in order to stunt its normal growth. some will put out all soil, hang it under hot sun, and when it nearly die, then we put it back to a normal wet soil. this will go on and on and on, until the plant adjusts itself with the 'misery' surround it. i am sure, in the eyes who appreciates bonsai, this is a great work of gardening art.

so, lets get back to Puan HC. Her husband comes back home whenever he wants to. she knows that her husband is around in the taman, but he chooses to be 'deprived', not so far yet not so near. she told me that her husband treats her very well at times, but this pattern is uncertain, normally he ignores her right after the 'romantic occasion' finishes, and treats as if she is invisible in the room. According to her, that is always predictable. He is nice if he were in a good mood, he jokes, he shouts at the same time, and this seasonal angel could change to a monster and does all those domestic 'tamil' drama, if he is angry or stressful. as a coach i think its unfair for me to judge him, but because of this article concerns the consequences of not having an efficient and effective communication in marriage, i will put the 'chaotic background reality check' aside.

Puan HC used to be a plump person before. i used to be skinnier than her 20 years ago. now she is just like a walking skeleton. she said she has diebetic and when i asked, whether she has made any blood checkup in the clinic or hospital, she just kept quiet. she admits that no doctor has ever diagnosed that. this declaration is to justify why she is turning to 'mrs olive popeye' as she claimed as the most logical reason behind her, 'on going shrinking' body. now i can call her a tiny lady, 1/3 of my size i can say!

surprisingly her eating appetite hasnt change, yet she eats twice than the amount i take, she sleeps like a baby, meaning having the perfect adequacy of sleeping like most models do...but still loosing weight. i dont think Puan HC really rest when she sleeps and really satisfy when she eats. the 'desease' from being sad and unhappy eat all the nutrition from inside.

the impact of the disastrous torment has caused her apart from shrinking, she became a closed minded person with having lots of pre-misjudging mentality. this is after many many years of going through this type of relationship. during our coaching session, she said that she is capable in sustaining the current situation. she said she can 'swallow' all the ill treatment she receives from the husband and she is strong for it.

honestly speaking, i adore her and admire her spirit, just like a bonsai tree which is always 'eye catching'...small and tough.

the truth, the mind and body couldnt take this, they dont lie...they wont do they respond then? they adjust themselves like how the plants do, in order to 'survive' and it is obviously shows in any women in agony....and the output? human bonsai.

Thursday, February 4, 2010


i remembered a friend of mine who claimed that God doesnt see how one looks like, how rich one is..whether the person covers or not...cause the heart that all matters. Allah sees only the heart, if one is sincere, honest, applies all the 5 pillars of Islam, that is sufficient enough.

well, i dont deny that but i dont agree 100% either. i am not a religious preacher nor i dont claim that i am any islamic scholar. one thing i can confess here, i am a practical muslim. as far as the topic is concerned, i like to give an opinion on being modest in the eyes of Islam.

for me a person who covers is better than a person who doesnt cover. a person who applies all the 5 pillars might have been rewarded better if she covers. i never said that a person who doesnt cover will get a resentment from Allah for any good deed she does, and who on earth am i, to have such entitlement to give the verdict? my point is, a person who does good deeds, applies 5 pillars and covers has the credit. Imagine if she is a 'walking Al Quran'?

now, how about a person who covers but committed sinful acts, such as involving in illegal sexual activities in the park or 'behind a closed wall' ? how about a person who covers but doesnt practice Islam at all ie the 5 pillars? for me these type of muslim ladies, are 'CONFUSED' typed of people. they cover, taking up one aspect of religion, and disregard so many other aspects of syariah demands in Islam. she could be a rebellious one or simply a confused person. why did i say that? why does she needs to cover in the first place if she rejects the other obligatory doings in Islam. So 'confused' is the right term for them. some men think that they are simply bold, no offense please...but for me the term stands. i dont mean to criticize nor belittling anyone here, as i believe with proper understanding and explanation by the muslim brainy, this 'desease' of confusion can be cured, insyaALlah.

i read about a lady who covers but drink alcohol in public. for me it could be an appeal for attention or she is unconciously making fun of herself. if i were to see her that time, i might ask her 'why in the world that cause you to cover?'

covering your hair, needs a deep understanding on why one needs to do so. it is an obedience driven action, based on the realization of the need to cover. why? because it is mentioned in the Quran that by covering our hair, we ladies shall earn respect. This latest testament is from God, and anything from God is perfect, so no question asked.

so, for those who cover, differ yourselves from the 'confused' people, and you shall be categorized as respectful ones. you know you deserve it.

no hard feeling please, Malaysia is a free country, so we are free to voice out our opinion in this lawless medium.