Thursday, August 12, 2010
Its Friday night, and I am in the mood to write. It has been many days I have been listening to Maher Zain’s songs, in office, in the gym and in the car. The music suits me very well, and the lyrics really captured my mind. Most all of the wordings are actually more than beautiful and went straight to my heart. I feel blessed, that I am not alone in searching for soul peace. I don’t know who is the lyrics writer is, I bet the writer must have experienced the inner battle between him and his good self, fighting and survived in his journey to find victory, the peace his soul been searching for. Actually, some of the songs were about the life story of what I myself have gone through.
Ok now, the topic is about designing love. Am I in love? Haha…I don’t trust in love anymore, I don’t know, till the time comes when Allah decides to change it. my heart belongs to Allah and I let Him decide totally. I just rejected another marriage proposal by another arab client of mine haha…poor him. I don’t understand some of my clients sometimes, they just didn’t get it. I care for their company’s welfare as I am their corporate adviser, not that I care for them personally. They must have been really misunderstood my concern for the real matter haha…Ops, i dont want to bore you with this issue, so let us go to our main thing that I want to share with you. Please read through and you will get the idea of what I am trying to get at, InsyaALlah.
tonight I would like to share about ‘love’ in my definition and the lesson I have been ‘taught’ by my Creator. It happened somewhere back in early 2008. I was in despair for my marriage failure, the business had not been taken care well, where it should be and everything were in a great mess. I remembered meeting few friends asking help to ease my court case for dissolving my marriage, and everybody seemed not to be helpful. My staff took my situation for granted, for I seldom come to the office to settle my personal problems, and the monthly collection was just enough to pay up the wages and office running expenses. To add more to my emotional burden, my ex husband snatched 2 of my babies, that time, my youngest Husna was just 3 plus, and I was indeed in great despair. I was really hurt and suffered emotionally, severe than any physical pain, deeper than any cut. My Husna was still a baby. i was really saddened by not having my baby in my arms.
Hatred, anger, sadness and worries were my 'companions' and they were very 'loyal'...when i missed my gals and looked at their pictures, I became outrageously angry but had no way to throw the tantrum. I thought i would be losing them forever. I was extremely sad but could not drop any tears for being a stubborn person, I thought I can combat this agony. Whenever I sleep, I felt at peace for I can forget all miseries and enjoy whatever ‘movie’ served to me in my dreams, hoping that I become the hero that can slash into pieces the kidnaper of my gals, so that my gals and I can be together again, and for good. I hated the situation where I was not in control of the situation, and wasn’t in any of peaceful state at all. One of the contributory factor was worrying my ex husband would deprive my gal from me, for the rest of my life. Eidul Fitr in 2008 was the saddest Eidul Fitr I have ever celebrated as nothing to celebrate but for completing my fasting and not having my gals. i didnt realize that at that current moment, i was the one who lost myself, gasping in darkness, in search of the real peace.
That time, I had decided not to rely on anyone for any favor. That time, friends for me were just for laughing time, bunch of bugs who 'take' but not to 'give'. My siblings were busy with their own lives but they were good at listening though, well it helped a bit. Having no one to turn to and losing hope that no one would want to share my problems, I resigned to the fate that everything happened were destined onto me and nothing can be done about it. worrying like crazy that I might grow old alone, losing my kids forever, being dumped in an old folks house, becoming a beggar etc etc were just like an automatic radio with an unseen ‘DJ’ disturbing my mind. I have tried to deviate my emotional problems with some sports activities like cycling, extreme swimming etc, but it was temporary. When I was alone, the unseen ‘DJ’ came to do his routine. Que sera sera, what will be, will be.
Like what was said in the other song of Maher's, water in the river will flow to the sea, I know that Allah is always there for me. To one extend, I thought of selling off my business and migrate oversea to start a new life. it was 2.30 am that time, I was alone, and couldn’t sleep. I could not think of anyone but Allah, and all my ‘life cd’ being played in my mind and there wasn’t any button for me to turn it off. My tears ran down like Niagara Falls, and I was so embarrassed to Allah for disobeying and being an arrogant person towards her Creator. Shame on me for ignoring my Lord who never hates nor turns His face away from me. I was the one who used to do that. I was the one.
I ‘watched’ the entire ‘cd’ and admitted all my sins. I pleaded guilty, admitted to all ‘charges’ and sobbed for His forgiveness. When I started to ‘talk’ to my Creator, I confessed everything and submitted to Him totally. I told Him that I accepted everything if those were the way of sentence or punishment for my past sins. I deserved it and I knew i have to be held responsible of my own acts. After a while, and it was really about few hours, i took ablution, and performed ‘solat taubat’ and ‘solat hajat’ asking for His pardon, and raising my hope to get my babies back. I had du’a to Allah asking Him to soften my ex husband’s heart to return them to me. I let go of everything like letting go a paper yatch in the river, if it sinks or flow, so just be it. I let Allah to decide and I would accept whatever the ‘verdict’ were.
It was a big relief. When I submitted all worries, sadness and anger towards myself, to my Creator, I felt lighter and the problems that I had were insignificant. The love and attention given by Him covered them all. Why do I said that? Its because, I never felt being loved and given the attention I need all my life, in such a way, a special way, its hard to describe. The feelings mixed, love, protection, attention, concern and forgiveness. The sweet and nice thing is, I still can feel it, and its nice to have the feelings back, though i dont have it everyday. Its just like a remedy to a poison in me. Thank you Allah. I know that I don’t have anyone who can soothe my sorrow and misery except Allah. I have no one to turn to except to Him. He observes and waits for me to ask His attention. How I had been so blind and dumb before. How couldn’t I feel His love for me before? He is always there for me.
This is what my soul had been searching all these while. Nothing matters after that. I know that Allah will take care of everything and it happened as thought. After 7 months, my ex husband returned my gals and it was like I was having Eidul Fitr ever since. Believe me, I never have the vengeful feelings towards my ex hubby. whatever he had done and yet to do now, is between him and Allah. I care less for any of his dues or obligatory responsibilities as a father to his children nor to remind him about his duties, for I have stopped worrying for any consequences. I rest my case. Allah will make it enough for me.
Worrying is wasteful and indeed it was really tiring. My ex husband is just another player in my life drama, which our story was unfortunately didnt turn out to be a happy ending epic. We dont always get what we hope, there is always hikmah behind everything, and everything happened for a reason/reasons.
To share with you my valued readers, i dont care about people saying on life begins at 40 or 50. i started to live when i realized where i came from and what is the purpose of my existence. now, I know who to turn to whenever I didn’t know what went wrong with my emotions and this feelings make adjustments which leads to my happiness now. I am a happier maryam, my business have grown better, my kids are growing before my eyes, and as a bonus, I am healthier for keeping my sports activities, Alhamdulillah. A lesson is learnt. I have 2 types of relationship i must be concerned of till the day i would be forgotten, that is with my Creator and with His creations. It really changed me and my perception towards what friendship really means. i want to be a stable person from the aspect of spiritual, emotional and of course physical, amin.
Allah’s love is pure, and it’s the real love all mankind been seeking for. He has designed a ‘software’ that no one can ever hack nor break it. the software says, the ‘hardware’ (our heart) will only be at peace when remembering Him. There is no substitute for this ‘software’, it’s a lifetime programme till the day ‘no place to run nor hide’. When we are hoping to be loved by humans, we know that its temporary and it (mawaddah) fades with time leaving sympathy (rahmah) to keep what is left. I wouldnt understand how sweet and unique this 'love' towards Allah feels like, if i havent encountered any of these miseries, if i havent gone through this priceless life experience and if i havent feel the pain of being a failure.
We are responsible in designing the shape of love towards our Lord, and believe me, He will return the love in much more better shape. All praises be to Allah and i am so grateful to be chosen in this life test. For this design of love i got, I wouldnt want to exchange for the worlds nor to turn back the time.